So I almost forgot. I wrote a poem when I was in my darkness a few nights ago. I don't know if it really counts as poetry but it is an expression of how I was feeling. Darkness should be embraced, because without darkness we would not have light.
Broken inside
Crumbling
Shattering
Crippling pain
Self-destructive images
Aching heart
Screaming soul
Stabbing
No way out
Gasping for air
Pounding pulse
Suffocating
Suffering Silently
Incapacitation
Decapitation
Rip out my insides
Tears welling up
Shutting down
Tuning out
Lips turning blue
Dying each moment
Wasting away
Floating
Drifting to oblivion
Lifeless
Wounded
Death of my soul
Take me away
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Monday, July 22, 2013
Getting Back to Basics
I have realized that when life seems intolerable it's important to get back to basics. After telling a good friend about the emotional issues I was going through a few weeks ago she asked me if I was eating, drinking water, and remembering to breathe. It seems a little funny when it's your heart and mind aching to take care of your body but the more you think about it the more it makes complete sense. Lately I have been having trouble with sleeping and eating. When I was first seeing my therapist he asked me how I was eating and sleeping, and talked about how when people feel in control their sleep and appetite will usually remain at baseline. But when control is lost, sleep and appetite are thrown off. Usually when I am depressed I tend to oversleep and comfort-eat. But this time it's the opposite. My appetite is extremely low and I'm finding myself able to live off less sleep than ever. I'm not even drinking coffee like I was before.
As silly as this sounds I'm trying to use this uncomfortable state as an opportunity to lose some weight. Overall I still manage to eat but I am eating a lot less. I'm hoping that the silver lining is I will adjust my body to less food. They say it takes 21 days to form a habit. So I plan stay on it regardless of my emotional state. I also find that I am craving nourishing foods: vegetables and fresh, simple ingredients. They seem to help me cope with this pain. If one part of myself is malnourished, I can at least keep other parts healthy.
Another aspect of "getting back to basics" relates to a lifelong struggle of mine. Keeping tidy. I am taking this time of raw awareness to develop mindfulness of my surroundings. I am trying to pick up after myself and look at where I am setting my belongings. This is a very undesirable part of myself that I have made some progress with, but admittedly continue to struggle with. I am hoping that even if my heart is cluttered, if I de-clutter my external environment it will permeate into other parts of me.
I want to make this a daily practice and to check in with myself about how I progressed in this area. So far today I have cleaned for my Love, started a load of laundry and picked up my room. I'm also using cleanliness as a mindfulness exercise...to simply be aware.
As silly as this sounds I'm trying to use this uncomfortable state as an opportunity to lose some weight. Overall I still manage to eat but I am eating a lot less. I'm hoping that the silver lining is I will adjust my body to less food. They say it takes 21 days to form a habit. So I plan stay on it regardless of my emotional state. I also find that I am craving nourishing foods: vegetables and fresh, simple ingredients. They seem to help me cope with this pain. If one part of myself is malnourished, I can at least keep other parts healthy.
Another aspect of "getting back to basics" relates to a lifelong struggle of mine. Keeping tidy. I am taking this time of raw awareness to develop mindfulness of my surroundings. I am trying to pick up after myself and look at where I am setting my belongings. This is a very undesirable part of myself that I have made some progress with, but admittedly continue to struggle with. I am hoping that even if my heart is cluttered, if I de-clutter my external environment it will permeate into other parts of me.
I want to make this a daily practice and to check in with myself about how I progressed in this area. So far today I have cleaned for my Love, started a load of laundry and picked up my room. I'm also using cleanliness as a mindfulness exercise...to simply be aware.
A Brush With Darkness
I wrote this last night sometime around midnight. There was nothing to relieve me in the slightest. Feeling absolutely insane. Reminding me of my most insecure days. Except this time it's not imagined irrational threats but real. Confidence and self-assuredness only goes to far when there is so much at stake. I may never experience darkness like this again I chose to embrace and express it. I cannot say it offered me much relief but it did distract me. It also helped me see a glimpse of how much I have hurt my Love. I never want to go back here, on either end of things. I am convinced there is really nothing more painful aside from maybe death of a loved one:
I am back in the darkness. There is no relief. I actually want to take a knife and cut myself. Never been a cutter or self-harmer of any sort but I can understand the impulse
I can actually feel my heart beating irregularly. Trying to tolerate my feeling. Knowing that I can end it all is the only image I find comforting at this moment.
So angry that the person who begged me to be with him and experienced all the pain that I did, is knowingly hurting me. I want to scream at the top of my lungs or jump off a building. The learning experience in this moment is lost completely. I am so overwhelmed with anguish that there is no way to see anything but darkness.
I need to sleep. It's my only escape. If I was alone I would probably harm myself in some way. I understand how impossible it feels to simply breathe and exist sometimes. Nothing could snap me out of this other than some sort of response from my Love. It's hard to even call him my Love in this moment because of how much he is killing me. I could I have behaved in a similar fashion? Never again.
Part of me is dying. I can actually feel it. I don't know how to keep myself alive. My heart withers away. It suffocates. And with it a piece of my love dies. I thought I was finally me again but I can feel the color escaping my face. The transformation from human to ghost begins. Somebody save me.
I'm feeling more hopeful today and the sun shines again. I am aware of how vulnerable I am and how challenging it is to cope. It gives me a lot of awareness about how intolerable certain emotions can feel and how "coping skills" seem like a big fucking joke. This is something I will carry with me as a clinician and nurturing friend when I am trying to help someone deal with challenges. It also helps me understand the impulse for self-destructive behaviors, and that maybe I need to create a better plan for myself when I am experiencing this turmoil. I think it is important to remember that anything you experience is temporary and will pass. Next time I feel this way I am going to contemplate on this and force myself to meditate for at least 10 minutes. Feeling relieved to have a happier day. Feeling hopeful and renewed. Realizing maybe these emotions are healing to experience. They help me connect with my own experience and experience I have put others through. I will act more mindfully in the future as a result. And that is an invaluable lesson I plan to revisit.
I can actually feel my heart beating irregularly. Trying to tolerate my feeling. Knowing that I can end it all is the only image I find comforting at this moment.
So angry that the person who begged me to be with him and experienced all the pain that I did, is knowingly hurting me. I want to scream at the top of my lungs or jump off a building. The learning experience in this moment is lost completely. I am so overwhelmed with anguish that there is no way to see anything but darkness.
I need to sleep. It's my only escape. If I was alone I would probably harm myself in some way. I understand how impossible it feels to simply breathe and exist sometimes. Nothing could snap me out of this other than some sort of response from my Love. It's hard to even call him my Love in this moment because of how much he is killing me. I could I have behaved in a similar fashion? Never again.
Part of me is dying. I can actually feel it. I don't know how to keep myself alive. My heart withers away. It suffocates. And with it a piece of my love dies. I thought I was finally me again but I can feel the color escaping my face. The transformation from human to ghost begins. Somebody save me.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Positve Self-Talk: The Mediator of Negative Emotions
Last night at 4AM I woke up with immense anxiety. So I decided to write as a tool for managing my emotions and for personal development. Here is what I wrote:
Waking up with painful anxiety. Thinking suicidal again. Feeling pathetic, weak and needy. Feeling shame, guilt, panic, and loss. Hating myself, feeling rageful at myself. Wanting to die for what I've done. Sick to my stomach ruminating on all the ways I've hurt my Love. How could you FUCKING do this?!!!! My heart inflames with regret and fear, cracking open, breaking, tearing, exploding. Desperately wanting to scream at the top of my lungs. Searching, grasping, wanting to collapse. End it all. The thought that this could be really truly over is unbearable. Death is a preferably state to this personal hell. Tears streaming down my face.
Grounding myself with hope. Be patient. Be present with these emotions. Use them to become better. You know in your heart this will work out. Keep your eyes on the prize. Stay true to you. You can feel the love. Trust it. Stop overthinking and worrying. That will get you no where.
But what if you lose him for good? He is so much more closed off now, his heart is dead to you.
Stop thinking like that. You know that's not true. His heart is just hurting, he needs time. He will come around because you are meant to be and you are willing to do the immense work that it will take to rebuild. You can do this. You are both strong enough. Focus on what you have control of and let go of what you do not have control of. Take some deep breaths, it will all be okay. Get some sleep. Take care of yourself, nurture this wounded relationship and it will all fall into place. He just needs to know that he can trust you again. The past is done, you cannot go back. Just learn, grow, heal, move on. You are valuable. He is valuable and he is worth it. Believe in yourself and your immense ability to create your destiny. You will come out stronger and more loving than ever. You will have more wisdom than you've ever known. We learn from our mistakes, not our successes. See the silver linings. Even in the midst of our darkest regrets and losses, there is a gain. Go to sleep and think happy thoughts. You can do this.
I was also reminded of a concept I uncovered awhile ago: Using pain for constructive purposes.
I remember coming upon this realization over 7 years ago when I was going through some heartache. Perhaps whenever I experience pain I can ask myself how can I use this pain for the good? How can I channel it into something positive? So I used this opportunity to use pain in this very moment.
I am using this pain to:
1) Have greater compassion for the pain of others. Savor this pain and retrieve it the next time you connect with the pain of another. Feel their pain too. Sit with it. Do not trivialize it. Validate it.
2) Feel greater empathy for your Love and all he has been through. Realize how wrong you have done. Own it. Vow to never repeat it deep, deep in your heart.
3) Write, express, create, and inspire yourself. Through your pain your writing has always flowed. Tap into that.
4) Learn what you did wrong. Don't run from it. You dishonored your commitment. You fled. Don't flee again. You can tolerate this.
5) Know that you can experience pain and discomfort and still survive. It will only make the beautiful moments that much sweeter.
6) Know that it's good to feel this pain. That is your mind and body processing and transforming. Trust it.
Take away Life Lessons for the Evolving Self: Use positive self-talk to manage negative emotions, be present with negative emotions, learn from negative emotions, and use pain for constructive purposes.
Waking up with painful anxiety. Thinking suicidal again. Feeling pathetic, weak and needy. Feeling shame, guilt, panic, and loss. Hating myself, feeling rageful at myself. Wanting to die for what I've done. Sick to my stomach ruminating on all the ways I've hurt my Love. How could you FUCKING do this?!!!! My heart inflames with regret and fear, cracking open, breaking, tearing, exploding. Desperately wanting to scream at the top of my lungs. Searching, grasping, wanting to collapse. End it all. The thought that this could be really truly over is unbearable. Death is a preferably state to this personal hell. Tears streaming down my face.
Grounding myself with hope. Be patient. Be present with these emotions. Use them to become better. You know in your heart this will work out. Keep your eyes on the prize. Stay true to you. You can feel the love. Trust it. Stop overthinking and worrying. That will get you no where.
But what if you lose him for good? He is so much more closed off now, his heart is dead to you.
Stop thinking like that. You know that's not true. His heart is just hurting, he needs time. He will come around because you are meant to be and you are willing to do the immense work that it will take to rebuild. You can do this. You are both strong enough. Focus on what you have control of and let go of what you do not have control of. Take some deep breaths, it will all be okay. Get some sleep. Take care of yourself, nurture this wounded relationship and it will all fall into place. He just needs to know that he can trust you again. The past is done, you cannot go back. Just learn, grow, heal, move on. You are valuable. He is valuable and he is worth it. Believe in yourself and your immense ability to create your destiny. You will come out stronger and more loving than ever. You will have more wisdom than you've ever known. We learn from our mistakes, not our successes. See the silver linings. Even in the midst of our darkest regrets and losses, there is a gain. Go to sleep and think happy thoughts. You can do this.
I was also reminded of a concept I uncovered awhile ago: Using pain for constructive purposes.
I remember coming upon this realization over 7 years ago when I was going through some heartache. Perhaps whenever I experience pain I can ask myself how can I use this pain for the good? How can I channel it into something positive? So I used this opportunity to use pain in this very moment.
I am using this pain to:
1) Have greater compassion for the pain of others. Savor this pain and retrieve it the next time you connect with the pain of another. Feel their pain too. Sit with it. Do not trivialize it. Validate it.
2) Feel greater empathy for your Love and all he has been through. Realize how wrong you have done. Own it. Vow to never repeat it deep, deep in your heart.
3) Write, express, create, and inspire yourself. Through your pain your writing has always flowed. Tap into that.
4) Learn what you did wrong. Don't run from it. You dishonored your commitment. You fled. Don't flee again. You can tolerate this.
5) Know that you can experience pain and discomfort and still survive. It will only make the beautiful moments that much sweeter.
6) Know that it's good to feel this pain. That is your mind and body processing and transforming. Trust it.
Take away Life Lessons for the Evolving Self: Use positive self-talk to manage negative emotions, be present with negative emotions, learn from negative emotions, and use pain for constructive purposes.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Making the Most of Loss
I find myself in a place of loss. I have never experienced loss this deeply in my life. I am wrought with pain and anxiety at times, yet hope and confidence at others. Ride the wave, I've been told. I'm not much of a surfer, but I guess it's about time to start.
In the face of despair the most potent comfort is hope. Hope for the future. Hope that it can get better. Hope that it will get better. Hope is what keeps me with a smile on my face and skip in my step. I know that I can fight for what's valuable, and that if I am focused energy I can create a beautiful reality.
The role of hope is something I am quite familiar with, as it is one of the core components of the therapeutic process. Instilling hope is a critical intervention, both to keep the client motivated, and to confident that the process can work. I'm sure you've heard the quote: "Whether you think you can, or think you can't--you're right." This is basically the power of expectancy in a nutshell. To support this idea we can turn to the extensive research that has been done on psychotherapeutic outcomes. What is known as "common factors" estimates that the success of therapy breaks down roughly to the following percentages:
40%-- Extratherapeutic Factors (client's context and attributes)
30%--Therapeutic Relationship
15%--Therapeutic Techniques, Structure, Model
15%--Hope, Placebo and/or Expectancy
So beyond the philosophical, the experiential, and the intuitive knowing of hope, I understand how important hope is from a scientific standpoint too. This is not to say I am hopeful just because I know hope is important. I'm also hopeful because I have reason to be hopeful. There is evidence in favor of hope. It is not blind hope, like the way someone might be hopeful to win the lottery. This is tangible hope. It is real. It is deep within my Self and my mind.
In terms of my lost relationship, there is a lot stacked against me. To the unkeen eye, it might look hopeless. And in fact, I feel hopeless at times. But that's a normal part of the process. To feel hopeless does not indicate that it IS hopeless. The reason I have hope is for the following reasons:
1) My heart is now pure. I have been waiting for this clarity and it is so strong. It is a kind of knowing that I know is unwavering.
2) I have an extremely strong base with my love. The deep, solid roots of our Oak tree that have been tattered but are certainly not uprooted.
3) I am a very problem-solving oriented person. When I am determined, inspired and motivated in something I am truly passionate about I am unstoppable. We all are!
4) I am logical and pragmatic, and have a Love who is the same. The way we discuss problems is beautifully calm and rational. It comes from a place of mutual love and respect, and being reasonable individuals.
5) I have the support, validation, and encouragement from many trusted friends and loved ones. Everyone has seen the strength and the love, and know it can happen again if we are both willing.
6) I know that many couples go through immense struggles and reconciliations in the face of betrayal and loss of trust, and it is a very solvable problem. I have even been trained in how to address such things. It has been awhile since I used these techniques but I am going to use this as an opportunity to revisit the literature on this.
7) My therapist has heard my specific story and has validated that rebuilding is definitely possible.
8) It was very recent that my Love was completely willing to be back with me. It's not too late. The door may look closed but it is still cracked open.
9) I am aware of the healing process at hand. I am at a place of taking full responsibility and have a lot of knowledge, creativity and commitment towards facilitating the healing.
10) My Love and I are incredibly aligned in a multitude of ways. We are compatible beyond recognition.
11) We have a wonderful track record. A beautiful history. A mutual understanding that our future could be all that and more.
12) I believe strongly in learning from mistakes, growing from them, and becoming stronger as a result. This can be conquered.
13) Miracles do happen. I do believe I am a lottery winner in Love. I believe I can have the 1 in a million love story. The kind of reality that love stories are based off of.
14) I have a deep belief and understanding of human resilience and recovery. We are both resilient, and our relationship can recover and become stronger.
15) I know for sure this is a one-time mistake. As huge as it is, the devastation will ensure I NEVER repeat anything like it again.
16) The deep romantic love is still there. I can feel it with my whole being.
So from this hope I will focus on self-discovery, self-evolution, and self-creation. I will grow as an individual and as a partner. It will be my greatest failure and my greatest success all wrapped into one. This is the pinnacle of my existence. Nothing more important has been on my path of life. I have a deep desire to survive, thrive and grow in a multitude of ways. I will write to expand on this process, to gain insights, awareness and personal growth. In the midst of despair I will become stronger.
In the face of despair the most potent comfort is hope. Hope for the future. Hope that it can get better. Hope that it will get better. Hope is what keeps me with a smile on my face and skip in my step. I know that I can fight for what's valuable, and that if I am focused energy I can create a beautiful reality.
The role of hope is something I am quite familiar with, as it is one of the core components of the therapeutic process. Instilling hope is a critical intervention, both to keep the client motivated, and to confident that the process can work. I'm sure you've heard the quote: "Whether you think you can, or think you can't--you're right." This is basically the power of expectancy in a nutshell. To support this idea we can turn to the extensive research that has been done on psychotherapeutic outcomes. What is known as "common factors" estimates that the success of therapy breaks down roughly to the following percentages:
40%-- Extratherapeutic Factors (client's context and attributes)
30%--Therapeutic Relationship
15%--Therapeutic Techniques, Structure, Model
15%--Hope, Placebo and/or Expectancy
So beyond the philosophical, the experiential, and the intuitive knowing of hope, I understand how important hope is from a scientific standpoint too. This is not to say I am hopeful just because I know hope is important. I'm also hopeful because I have reason to be hopeful. There is evidence in favor of hope. It is not blind hope, like the way someone might be hopeful to win the lottery. This is tangible hope. It is real. It is deep within my Self and my mind.
In terms of my lost relationship, there is a lot stacked against me. To the unkeen eye, it might look hopeless. And in fact, I feel hopeless at times. But that's a normal part of the process. To feel hopeless does not indicate that it IS hopeless. The reason I have hope is for the following reasons:
1) My heart is now pure. I have been waiting for this clarity and it is so strong. It is a kind of knowing that I know is unwavering.
2) I have an extremely strong base with my love. The deep, solid roots of our Oak tree that have been tattered but are certainly not uprooted.
3) I am a very problem-solving oriented person. When I am determined, inspired and motivated in something I am truly passionate about I am unstoppable. We all are!
4) I am logical and pragmatic, and have a Love who is the same. The way we discuss problems is beautifully calm and rational. It comes from a place of mutual love and respect, and being reasonable individuals.
5) I have the support, validation, and encouragement from many trusted friends and loved ones. Everyone has seen the strength and the love, and know it can happen again if we are both willing.
6) I know that many couples go through immense struggles and reconciliations in the face of betrayal and loss of trust, and it is a very solvable problem. I have even been trained in how to address such things. It has been awhile since I used these techniques but I am going to use this as an opportunity to revisit the literature on this.
7) My therapist has heard my specific story and has validated that rebuilding is definitely possible.
8) It was very recent that my Love was completely willing to be back with me. It's not too late. The door may look closed but it is still cracked open.
9) I am aware of the healing process at hand. I am at a place of taking full responsibility and have a lot of knowledge, creativity and commitment towards facilitating the healing.
10) My Love and I are incredibly aligned in a multitude of ways. We are compatible beyond recognition.
11) We have a wonderful track record. A beautiful history. A mutual understanding that our future could be all that and more.
12) I believe strongly in learning from mistakes, growing from them, and becoming stronger as a result. This can be conquered.
13) Miracles do happen. I do believe I am a lottery winner in Love. I believe I can have the 1 in a million love story. The kind of reality that love stories are based off of.
14) I have a deep belief and understanding of human resilience and recovery. We are both resilient, and our relationship can recover and become stronger.
15) I know for sure this is a one-time mistake. As huge as it is, the devastation will ensure I NEVER repeat anything like it again.
16) The deep romantic love is still there. I can feel it with my whole being.
So from this hope I will focus on self-discovery, self-evolution, and self-creation. I will grow as an individual and as a partner. It will be my greatest failure and my greatest success all wrapped into one. This is the pinnacle of my existence. Nothing more important has been on my path of life. I have a deep desire to survive, thrive and grow in a multitude of ways. I will write to expand on this process, to gain insights, awareness and personal growth. In the midst of despair I will become stronger.
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