Positve Self-Talk: The Mediator of Negative Emotions

Last night at 4AM I woke up with immense anxiety. So I decided to write as a tool for managing my emotions and for personal development. Here is what I wrote:

Waking up with painful anxiety. Thinking suicidal again. Feeling pathetic, weak and needy. Feeling shame, guilt, panic, and loss. Hating myself, feeling rageful at myself. Wanting to die for what I've done. Sick to my stomach ruminating on all the ways I've hurt my Love. How could you FUCKING do this?!!!! My heart inflames with regret and fear, cracking open, breaking, tearing, exploding. Desperately wanting to scream at the top of my lungs. Searching, grasping, wanting to collapse. End it all. The thought that this could be really truly over is unbearable. Death is a preferably state to this personal hell. Tears streaming down my face.

Grounding myself with hope. Be patient. Be present with these emotions. Use them to become better. You know in your heart this will work out. Keep your eyes on the prize. Stay true to you. You can feel the love. Trust it. Stop overthinking and worrying. That will get you no where.

 But what if you lose him for good? He is so much more closed off now, his heart is dead to you.

Stop thinking like that. You know that's not true. His heart is just hurting, he needs time. He will come around because you are meant to be and you are willing to do the immense work that it will take to rebuild. You can do this. You are both strong enough. Focus on what you have control of and let go of what you do not have control of. Take some deep breaths, it will all be okay. Get some sleep. Take care of yourself, nurture this wounded relationship and it will all fall into place. He just needs to know that he can trust you again. The past is done, you cannot go back. Just learn, grow, heal, move on. You are valuable. He is valuable and he is worth it. Believe in yourself and your immense ability to create your destiny. You will come out stronger and more loving than ever. You will have more wisdom than you've ever known. We learn from our mistakes, not our successes. See the silver linings. Even in the midst of our darkest regrets and losses, there is a gain. Go to sleep and think happy thoughts. You can do this.

I was also reminded of a concept I uncovered awhile ago: Using pain for constructive purposes.

I remember coming upon this realization over 7 years ago when I was going through some heartache. Perhaps whenever I experience pain I can ask myself how can I use this pain for the good? How can I channel it into something positive? So I used this opportunity to use pain  in this very moment.

I am using this pain to:

1) Have greater compassion for the pain of others. Savor this pain and retrieve it the next time you connect with the pain of another. Feel their pain too. Sit with it. Do not trivialize it. Validate it.

2) Feel greater empathy for your Love and all he has been through. Realize how wrong you have done. Own it. Vow to never repeat it deep, deep in your heart.

3) Write, express, create, and inspire yourself. Through your pain your writing has always flowed. Tap into that.

4) Learn what you did wrong. Don't run from it. You dishonored your commitment. You fled. Don't flee again. You can tolerate this.

5) Know that you can experience pain and discomfort and still survive. It will only make the beautiful moments that much sweeter.

6) Know that it's good to feel this pain. That is your mind and body processing and transforming. Trust it.

Take away Life Lessons for the Evolving Self: Use positive self-talk to manage negative emotions, be present with negative emotions, learn from negative emotions, and use pain for constructive purposes.